Lost Love: Found Myself

I have had the privilege of loving and being loved by so many wonderful souls in my life.

Those of you who have lived long enough would know that this also means that I have inevitably lost love a thousand times over, if not more.

You can’t avoid the heartache without also leaving out the love! — Roscoe Winston, Dr. Strange Beard by Penny Reid

I think there’s a learning curve after losing your love. First and foremost, you crash and burn. The hurt may seem like it would take you down with it and never let you resurface. But, slowly, over time, you learn to swim up to the surface, even if for a few moments, before you sink again in a pool of agony.

For someone watching from the outside, this pool of agony may seem like a puddle of your fat tears that you refuse to leave. But for you, it has the potential to drown you.

As they say, time heals. So with time, you learn to float in your personalised agony pool and hope to be able to swim away from this world of hurt. In this phase, a simple loud thud can crush your spirit so wholly for a moment that….

However, with more time you learn to swim away from this hypothetical pool, but by this time you are so accustomed to it that you may never want to leave. And many people never do leave; I have encountered many souls who choose to sit at the edge of their personal pool of agony and occasionally take a dive in.

To each their own.

I.

I would like to be able to let it go. Let this pain go away for my sake. But, not yet. Not just yet.

I am not able to let go of the anger I hold towards you. Correction: I don’t want to let go of this anger. It seems personal. It seems essential.

But don’t you worry love! I love myself a little extra these days.

Now, I pamper myself in the showers. I eat good. I take care of my mental health.

If worrying about me occupies even a tiny inch of your brain space, I urge you to let me go.

I have let you go.

I am stronger than ever. I have my back, I won’t let myself fall down to the point where I can no longer get back up.

Please go ahead and love yourself a little more.

Jo khwahishein asal zindagi mein puri nahi hoti,

Unko aksar khwabo me panah mil jati hai.

— Ashmita Dixit 19/6/25

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