How I wish I were not a woman

It took me about 22 years to accept the fact that I am a woman and that need not change for me to have a better quality of life.

For so long I wished with every fiber in my being to not be a woman in this place/time.

A Little Background

I was born in Agra, Uttar Pradesh in 1998 to a middle class household where my father worked hard to give us a better future and my mother supported him by giving everything she had to offer.

Seeing her from the very beginning, I decided early on in my childhood that being a woman was just not it for me. I have to do everything I could to avoid it.

I always wanted to be just like my father. I could clearly see he was the one who was most powerful. Everything was bent to his will, to suit him better. Everything was given to him, even when he was not being polite. Everything was done as per him. Of course I understand now that he was doing his part the best he could, which was to provide for our family and secure his kids’ future. But as a 5 year old child I could not comprehend this strange behavior, it only meant having more power in my opinion.

I gravitated towards him more and more. I called him, for anything and everything; whenever I needed any help. And every time I asked him, it worked; my issues were resolved, I was granted the thing I so wanted. He was my father after all.

Some Perspective

It started when I grew up a little and started noticing the world around me. I saw my mother all caught up in things and felt how helpless she was against all that she was experiencing, the after effects of an arrange marriage (as shown in the movies). For the longest time she did not have the freedom to even eat as per her liking and she chose to endure all of that because? She was supposed to do that?

Now that I am a grown up myself I figure out that the weakness was not in her being a woman. Instead it was her circumstance, her belief system (and just maybe her selflessness in a way) that made her feel so week. Now when I look back, I think she was the most powerful amongst us all, because all of us were totally dependent on her even for the smallest things.

I thought being a woman meant I was weak

I used to think that being a woman makes me weak and parts of me which resembled my mother were excess baggage I needed to discard.

To be honest I am really proud of the parts that I share with her. Extremely grateful as because they give me the strength to carry on and pull up myself. As she would call her problems trivial when compared to her loved ones, she taught me it is possible to move forward even when you are in pain (if not for yourself than for the sake of the ones you love)

The never ending love and affection I learnt from my mother is what I wish to propel further ahead.

Play of power and its dynamics

I saw the power dynamics being played at my home in my family. I could clearly see who the powerful one was and who had the lead. I could see her left helpless in scenarios where others overruled her wishes and freedom. I never wanted to feel that myself.

As I was growing up I experienced confusion; why did I not have the kind of leverage that my brother had. I even started feeling jealous of him  to the extent of thinking “why did my father had to start his business under his name”, but then that was a moot point in a way because when he had started the business I was not even born. LOL

I hated being a girl

When I faced molestation

When I had to cover my legs and wear something “appropriate” because of the people around me

When my brother was allowed to go out and I had a curfew

When I used to cry and scream in pain because period pain sucks

When creepy guys used to stare me down while I was having fun

When people told me I was not strong enough

When I saw my father talking down my mother sometimes as a joke when she wasn’t around

I hated being a girl so I used a cover of ‘I am not a girly girl’. I stopped wearing pink. I decided to chop my hair off and shave my head because being a girl meant having long hair. When puberty hit, I felt even worse because I would practically look like a boy if I wore a shirt or ill fitted clothes.

I found several inspirations to be a proud woman myself

First was my mother, her ability to devote herself to us and love us fiercely.

My female friends, they are all such amazing people who still inspire me every day with their strength and resilience.

I loved the movie “Sex and the city” I loved the character “Miranda” how powerful she was, how she created her life.

I do not want to bow down to every supposed male leader of the family and people around me just because I am a woman.

Eventually I started to realize that I am more of a woman than Iwould care to admit.

(On several occasions I have been pointed out by my friends that I am more of “pink” then I would like to be. And then I started noticing that I do like pink quite a lot and it suits me, it brings out the glow in me.)

I understood that our bodies were different, my brother’s and mine; and I am grateful for him to be a bit supportive at least in times of pain, period pain, severe period pain. I think he is the midpoint between my parents and me. That was nice to have. Even the friends I have are generally very supportive people.

What does being a woman mean to me?

It means that I bear the power and with it the responsibility to nurture a being and aid its growth; that’s if I choose to do that.

It means I can balance strength with tender love and care.

It means a being can find a safe space to confide or maybe just rest a bit with me.

It means I can choose to give and be okay with someone taking from me as much as they need/want for love.

It means I value my freedom in expression of oneself as my utmost priority.

 

Now what?.

Whether you are a woman or a man everyone has their fare share of struggles. Your acceptance of yourself and your belief is what matters. In order to emerge victorious you ought to accept yourself the way you are and make the most of it, after all you can’t draw a fair comparison between a fish and a bird. Each possesses their own strengths, struggles and responsibilities.

You can be a man and still feel powerless and week in face of adversity. Power comes from responsibility; confidence to follow your own path comes from knowledge of yourself and your surroundings. Most important of all it is your spirit and the self talk you feed yourself every now and then, that makes you truly strong from the inside.

 

I didn’t want to be called a girl.

Now I proudly address myself as a woman. I would appreciate if other people call me a woman now.

(I am woman by Emmy Meli plays in the background)

Following links are for the curious ones:

How pink became a girly color

Problems you face as a girl

Isolation is the dream-killer, not your attitude | Barbara Sher | TEDxPrague